fuck treatment

just got outta treatment i know im guna relapse hit me up!
xoxo thin is beauty<3

privacy is needed

so i have a journal and have for a while. i figure hey why would someone just go and read through a notebook? i had a terrible fear that my parents would read my journal so i talked to my mom with my therapist and she PROMISED that they wouldnt read it well thursday i was fighting with my parents about me smoking i think i dunno something stupid but anyways about half way through the fight my dad is like well i read your fucking journal yesterday and just told me im a fuck up pretty much. and i flew off the handle and started screaming and crying i was pissed and still am that even after they said they wouldnt do that they did like really? thats PRIVATE stuff that i dont want them knowing. i totally fucked myself over they know about my ed for sure now and fuck im not really sure where to go from here:/ on the bright side i hadnt written in it for a while so they just think my problems purging (which i have stopped doing that so) i know what im going to by next pay check one of those password journals that only opens to my voice that way i know they cant read it.
xoxo thin is beauty<3

good morning:)

good morning everyone:D actually i woke up very very sick and feel like im dying BUT i remembered only two days till i get my tattoo:D im soooooo happy haha. my first tattoo:) im going to be fucked if my parents ever see it hahah. yes i am getting it professonaly done haha. see since i am adpoted my biological mom who still has some writes is signing for me ahh yay for loop wholes!! im getting a dandelion next to my right hip bone and its going to blow acrossed my stomach to my left side but the little puffles turn into birds:) and under the birds im getting never give up:) its going to be amazing!!! ahah i'll post a picture at the end of it ahah. but things are going okay ahah i have a job if i didnt say that before lol. i work at the movie theaters. its the easiest job in the world i work two days a week get about 120 every two weeks and im only actually working for about two hours at most ahah. saturdays i work 4-11ish and all i do it put popcorn in a bag or fill drinks. i do that for about half hour then we just all screw around while the movie is going or go watch it in the balancy. then i work for thirty and then mess around again then do that again ahha its great and sundays i do the same thing but just twice and get off at 8. its lovely:) i hope everyone else is doing good:) im doing pretty damn good at resricting:) im feeling fantastic ahha im fasting today though ahah im sick so my parents arent going to make me eat:) long live my cold!!!!
xoxo thin is beauty<3

thats my tattoo:)

my current pics:

strength training

strength training is the worst thing in the world and i hate it just have to say that. we had way hard work outs this week in weight training and it just sucks:/ today sucks idk i'm just in this weird mood. im way depressed i dunno i've been feeling like this for a few day i think. well it comes and goes some days im happy others like today im way depressed and i just cant control it:/ i just i hate my self so much like i dont even know why i do. i just want to cut all this fat off. i am having the most difficult time in the world not cutting like its just hard...i just want to cut and let everything out but i know i cant:/ i am going over to see my "boyfriend" (guy whos pretty much my boyfriend but not offically) monday and i feel like a huge fat fuck since i've been trying to eat a little and i some how gained from that that or the scale that makes me want to ram my fucking head into the ground (this really almost happened today and probably would have if i wouldnt have been freaking out and having a break down and popped my back and fucked it up) i really really need to go get a new scale that is actually going to work. but i just want to cut all the time i constantly think about it or like situations of me dying i always think about them. i keep thinking about just taking all of my pills and just going to sleep but it scares me that either i wont actually kill myself and just end up frying my brain even worse or something or like what happens if i actually did and then what? am i just gone or so i go on to heaven or what? that scares me so i highly doubt i'll kill myself also i just dont think i could leave my boyfriend as dumb as that sounds like i could do it if it wasnt for him.and then i'll think about everything i would do if i was like on my own and i just want freedom i just want people to leave me alone or just not be so fucking rude all the time. like my dad made this new rule that i have to stay in the living room for a full hour after i eat anything and if i have to go to the bathroom my mom has to come too. im pissed liek what the fuck i dont need to be fucking babysat anymore i dont binge and purge anymore and them doing this shit all the time it just makes me want to do it. im so tired and its just i hate it:/ my fucking whole body just hurts right now and i just feel like crying for the billionth time this morning and all this and ugh i dunno i hope the day improves that all i have to say:/ i hope you guys are feeling better than me
xoxo thin is beauty

end of the day

so im back ahah i just rearranged my room which was probably the hardest workout i've had in a while ahha. but i figured out in the 1400 crunches i did today i burned 280 cals:D and i did a bunch of other things in weight training:) and the best part is is that i only had 235 cals:) whoooo! i am on a role! ahha go me:) i am doing good ahha. i hope i can keep this up. i mean i feel fantastic so its clear i dont need to eat a shit ton to be "healthy" its just a way of saying here you need 1500 calories a day to make you nice and fat. bullshit i need that many calories a day clearly i can do fine on just a little everyday. actually i can still fast pretty easy i just dont wanna get like sick or anything so im jut eating dinner:)i just think this will actually work for me and keep everyone off my back:) and there are a shit tons of things i can eat for dinner that are low cal. hell i can have one of my veggie burgers(70) WITH a bun(50) and that would be just fine. i do love rice cakes now though ahah i love em. i got the big plain ones and the mini ones too i have those in chocolate and cheese:) great for when i want chocolate or cheese ahha. oh also i have figured out if you use that like stuff you put on popcorn for flavoring if you use it on like crackers or anything its way good ahha i have the cheese kind and i always put in on my egg whites to make it extra good:) and they're pretty much 0 calories too:) well i think i should stop delaying that i need to write an essay about a story i didnt read ahah. wish me luck:)
xoxo thin is beauty<3

mmm

well today has been alright. my stupid ass ex texting me trying to get me back and again i held my ground and told him no:) also i might get to see my guy today:D i really really hope i can ahah i havent seen him since like last month:( its driving me nuts...ahah so thats all good:) i did 400 crunches in weight training plus all the other stuff i had to do like squats and all that haha, and i did another 200 this morning:) and i'll do at least 500 more before bed:) and lots of leg lifts ahha those are needed too. well i only eat dinner anymore because well its the only meal im forced to eat so today i had broccoli califlower celery carrots and a rice cake:) so that totals to about 60 cals at most ahha. i do not count the calories in neg cal food like my veggies i listed. so maybe if im good and wanting something more i'll have fruit with some yogurt:) maybe though i dunno yet ahah. stay strong:)
xoxo thin is beauty<3

alls wells that ends well:)

so i did my week long fast:) although im still way bloated. so today its my okay day to eat and i've had the following:
yogurt !60
banaba 90
rice cakes 60
egg whites 34
whooo go me:) i feel very good about this considering i was way scared i would binge once i got off lol. so now im going to start writing down all my calories i take in on this. also what excises i do and how many today i've only done 100 leg lifts and 500 crunches. im still going to do 300 more leg lifts and 500 maybe 800 more crunches since im bloated. and then walk in my room for and hour and then run stairs for a half hour. tomorrow i go back to school from my spring break so i'll have weight training again thank god ahah but any who i have a work out to do so i'll post tomorrow:)
xoxo thin is beauty<3