strength training

strength training is the worst thing in the world and i hate it just have to say that. we had way hard work outs this week in weight training and it just sucks:/ today sucks idk i'm just in this weird mood. im way depressed i dunno i've been feeling like this for a few day i think. well it comes and goes some days im happy others like today im way depressed and i just cant control it:/ i just i hate my self so much like i dont even know why i do. i just want to cut all this fat off. i am having the most difficult time in the world not cutting like its just hard...i just want to cut and let everything out but i know i cant:/ i am going over to see my "boyfriend" (guy whos pretty much my boyfriend but not offically) monday and i feel like a huge fat fuck since i've been trying to eat a little and i some how gained from that that or the scale that makes me want to ram my fucking head into the ground (this really almost happened today and probably would have if i wouldnt have been freaking out and having a break down and popped my back and fucked it up) i really really need to go get a new scale that is actually going to work. but i just want to cut all the time i constantly think about it or like situations of me dying i always think about them. i keep thinking about just taking all of my pills and just going to sleep but it scares me that either i wont actually kill myself and just end up frying my brain even worse or something or like what happens if i actually did and then what? am i just gone or so i go on to heaven or what? that scares me so i highly doubt i'll kill myself also i just dont think i could leave my boyfriend as dumb as that sounds like i could do it if it wasnt for him.and then i'll think about everything i would do if i was like on my own and i just want freedom i just want people to leave me alone or just not be so fucking rude all the time. like my dad made this new rule that i have to stay in the living room for a full hour after i eat anything and if i have to go to the bathroom my mom has to come too. im pissed liek what the fuck i dont need to be fucking babysat anymore i dont binge and purge anymore and them doing this shit all the time it just makes me want to do it. im so tired and its just i hate it:/ my fucking whole body just hurts right now and i just feel like crying for the billionth time this morning and all this and ugh i dunno i hope the day improves that all i have to say:/ i hope you guys are feeling better than me
xoxo thin is beauty