holy balls...

so today i wake up at about 8. this is bad cuz i have school. turns out my mom didnt want me to go to school today since im sick i was like yes sweet! but then i think about it and im like wait this is weird really weird, she would never let me stay up unless its serious let alone not wake me up and ask me how i feel. so i mosy upstairs where my tea has already been made and all this so im like weirded out cuz my parents never ever do this shit.. then my mom tells me i have a doctors appointment at 11:30 but we're guna go at 11 since its a new doctors and we'll have paper work. now i know somethings wrong cuz im not going to my doctors. to make it worse my mom brought up purging yesterday so im like fuck fuck fuck. i tried to stay calm all fricking morning and think it will be okay. so we go to leave and we turn in to the place and i read the sign on what the place is for it says pediatric, obgyn, and mental health so im like what the fuck i know its not pediatric cuz im not at my pedatrition, so now im way scared. we filled out all the paper work then they lead me way into the back to a huge scale, i get on and im 98.4 pounds. thank god i water bloated. then they were like okay lets go to the room they had me sit in a chair and did all the blood pressure and all that stuff. then the doctor comes in and starts asking me weird ass questions like how do you feel about your body? and what do you think about your weight? i was like holy fuck im screwed! but i made my way around the questions and made me sound normal. thank god. then they just did the usual check up. scared the piss out of me. so now im really nervous im guna be put in treatment:/ idk scares me so bad i mean shit idk what to do about it. i think they think my mom was just over reacting:/ just guna play it safe for a couple weeks to make sure im alright. stupid parents.. but at least they're being like super nice to me.

peacocks bro

okay so im taking the challenge, i cannot tell you what it is thats against the rules. (you will know if you've taken the challenge before why. okay anyways on to peacocks. so i was thinking and when im high i always think about peacocks. well im getting a tattoo on my side of a peacock someday. me and andy decided this one day:p also i am a hybrid hahah im fucking white as hell cant tan, blonde hair, electric blue eyes, and freckles? what the fuck kinda nationality is that!!! so thus im a hybrid and one day everyone will look like me:o but anyways, so i just love the shit out of peacocks now because i figured out in my past life i was a fucking peacock:O yeah i know man. so i was doin my researchin and found out a shit ton of random peacock facts. if you see a white peacock(im white) it will bring eternal happiness, so im a white peacock what does that mean? am i guna be eternally happy? also peacocks only weigh 8-12 pounds! and they are about eh 6 to 8 feet. bull shit im unhealthy at fucking 96! im a fucking peacock! i can weight that much damn it. ahah fuck sorry im just thinkin. just like thats fucking crazy. and what the hell everything is made out of fucking water, like maybe we really only need water. everything needs water everything. even peacocks. i did a couple bad ass drawings of peacocks. im just guna do a fucking bad ass set of peacocks stuff like paintings, drawings, everything. everything will have peacocks. just like it has water. i also think im manic cuz im like going crazy i keep making rules for fucking everything and i have to plan everything or i freak out. and my digestive system is fucked up now bro. i pooped yes pooped out a thing of broccoli! WTF!!! and i did the same with an apple it looks like i havent even eaten them just threw them in the toliet! idk and today i found out if i go out in the cold i throw up everywhere. whoo winter ahah. shit i threw up outside its probably frozen nowXD fucking funny shit right there lol. if you guys need some music to jam out to these are some sweet bands: passion pit, junior boys, kid kudi, purple tree and i can think of anymore right now ahah. i think its time for some pictures though. my name is now boss do to the fact that i am indeed boss for many reasons lol so im peacock boss ahah but here are so great pics:D

ahahha best picture of me ever^^ ahahah

love that pic. also my car as a button in it that says trip. what the eff man what the eff

me and my best fran:D

new takin a few days ago:)

i think it shows my before? im standing with a guy. we loved eachother so much >.> fuck you you cheating bastard. like a year ago? im sorry im fat lol.

thinking?

well i am really sorry i havent blogged for like ever!! im just busy and sick:( but on the bright side sick means no food:D well an excuse for lunch ,"bro why arent you eatin?' "oh ya know im sick dont wanna throw up" ya all that. although my friends dont give a fuck if i eat or not ahah. see at school im that druggie kid (yes i can admit that im a druggy i dont like do meth or anything really hard just putting that out there oh and i dont drink either) that sits there and talks to like anyone. im a bum so i wear jeans and a hoodie everyday all day. if im not wearing that im wearing sweats and a hoodie! my wardrobe varries so much ahah not! i dress to keep myself comfey and warm, so jeans and a hoodie all year till summer then its short shorts and tank tops:D but this year im guna look good in my shorts!!! i know i will:) but i've had a very interesting week. the other night i got see my boy:) he's so cute! ahah we found out while cuddling his fricking arm yes arm! is as long as from my shoulder all the way down to my knee!! ahah he's so fricking tall! and has very long arms ahah. oh and since we were like outside and its winter and super cold your hands get cold we have started having "cold hand fights" ahha were you like touch someones bare stomach with your hands and they're all cold ahah good times! i love being with him:) he's so sweet and cute:) i also love how small and protected he makes me feel. like i know its kinda sick but i feel like a little kid again and he's guna take care of me and make me feel okay. make me be unfucked up so i can be a normal girl and not be high 90% of the time to be okay. but i do sneak out to see him just putting this out there and i came home, granted i was higher way higher than i should have been but went into my kitchen to get a drink and then my heart was freaking out! then i got dizzy and hot so im like okay i need to sit down and breath im guna pass out. ( i've been really sick so not much food staying in so that makes me pass out sometimes) then next thing i know i woke up on my kitchen floor. scary shit! i was like oh fuck and went down stairs and slept the rest of the day lol. i do not recommened anyone start doing drugs just cuz i do just saying that im not being an influnce of anysort in just telling you guys my life. all those details. but these have made me when im thinking about shit that i do want to go back to being a little kid. that i want to go back to when i was innoscent, when i didnt worry about my weight, when i was small and pure, before i was raped, i want to go back to that to be free and pure which is why i want to lose weight. ya i know its all fucked up and i know that but its true. honestly i've realized a lot of amazing shit when im high. i know i should probably stop doing all the shit i do but i dont want to, i hate feeling normal its all too complicated in a way i dont want to deal with all my problems:/ so if i can just take hell benadryl ( yes it will get you high if you take like eight but not recommending it) and feel better and not be so nervous then shit ya i will. mh i just know i will never ever do meth. that is the one thing i wont do. my biological mom did that and fucked my life up no way im doing that shit. but anyways i had a way good time with my guy well call him andy:D ahah his real name is very close to that andy is just his nickname:p but i love that he always makes me feel okay with myself just like little comments he makes, like he's like i swear you shrink everytime i see you and your like so tiny and just things like that and i love it! i can honestly say i love this guy with no doubt in my mind, he's amazing and perfect:) but in other news, im sick:/ although my mother doesnt think so and forced me to eat a shit ton like four pieces of piece the other night ahah i showed her! it all came right back up on the table, she keeps screaming at me cuz " im just to thin! you can see my hip bones!" ya like thats a bad thing? ahah so i just wear hoodies all day now:) today, i've had some veggies like broccoli:) and i was and am so full off it! like super full like bloated full. and it wasnt even alot of it just a few sticks! so i think my stomach is shrinking:) yay:D im guna try and post my new pics so tell me what you think:D

amazing weekend:)

this weekend was amazing!!! well my unofficial boyfriend invited me to stay the night with him, so i was like eehhhh i'll try. see my parents dont usually let me spend the night at anyones house let alone a guy they've never met or anything so i was like alright lying skills dont fail me now!! i talked to my best friend and she said she'd cover for me and all that. so i got to sleep over friday night with him:) it was super fun, we had a party with a couple people. got a bit messed up:p okay a lot ahha everyone kept saying how short i was and how small i was ahah i was like yes! ahha we played dress up and the goal was to find something that would fit me, "since im sooo small and need childrens clothes" we never ended up finding anything but we all looked pretty funny wearing random clothing
then i wanted some pjs so i was wearing sweats and i got up and they fell to my ankles ahha i just laughed and was sooo happy that that happened i felt so skinny:)then after freezing my ass off sitting outside smoking with him we went back in and started watching a movie and i fell asleep ahah, but it was a very fun and eventfull night and i hope to god i can do it again sometime. i find it pretty amazing that i could actually sleep with someone else cuz normally that scares me but i felt so relaxed it was amazing:) very good night ahah. i also took a peak at his scale and i came up at about 97ish he had a super old scale lol but still im happy about that! i cant wait to get to my goal weight:D so excited!!!
xoxo thin is beauty<3

veggie soup freakout?

well i got to hang out with my special guy last night:) it was very amazing:) we talked about lots and all that, tons of cuddling:) he's the only person who can touch me and i dont worry about feeling disgusting. he called me fragile:D which is my very very very favorite compliment:) we also talked about how girls should be smaller than boys and he's like ya im like a foot something taller than you and like twice your weight. i was like:OOOOO yessss i feel so small now:) he just makes me feel happy and like worthwhile:) its an amazing feeling one i havent had for quiet a long time:) awww i love this feeling:)
now in other news, i got my schedule for school today (first day back:/) and i switched one of my classes to weight training last hour:) so i'll get a little workout at least every day im at school:D go me, and maybe just maybe i might be the smallest in the class:D which would be great. what i did not know is they do weigh ins:/ really nervous about that.. like idk how often or if it will be infront of people or what so im really nervous for that:/ but anyways at least now i will HAVE to work out:) no more lazy for me!!!
so tonight i went down to make some dinner i was guna have some veggie soup and i had been waiting for this literally for about two days, all i thought about for those days, and then guess what my dad used all the damn soup!! what for? for stew, yes stew which we have in the freezer and cans of it!! WHAT THE EFF!!! so i raged about this and just started like bawling? idk it was weird i was just so excited about that soup and getting to have it, i just wanted it so bad and i was like well now im guna have to purge and ruin everything!!! and all that just started freaking out so my mom was like calm down and gave me twenty to go get some soup, i got like fiveish cans of select harvest vegetable soup with pasta, 60 cals for half the can:) i usually eat the whole thing though, i also got some v8 vegetable juice which honestly just tastes like vegetable broth:) i felt like so proud going to the store and getting healthy stuff:) i liked walking around with my little cart with soup and veggie juice in it:) i was just so relaxed after i got my soup like whew your okay now you dont have to purge you have your safe food here. i really hope this diet is working though i'm only eating salad with a little fat free dressing and soup, tonight i only had half the can too, i just felt so contient just to have it that i didnt want all of it. it was way nice ahah. well i hope everyone is doing good:) stay strong and safe loves!
xoxo thin is beauty<3

is it love?

well my no purging is going good. two days so far without it:) thank god. my stomach is still getting used to it though. so im in a bit of pain from all the nonsense going on. normally i purged anything i eat for the most part. right now im just eating veggies pretty much sometimes fruit. for the past two days i've had a salad with brocoli, lettuce, celery, and carrots. its really good i love it and best part all the veggies are neg cals:D love it lol. and keeps me super full like amazingly full. then i usually have a can of veggie soup. i have fallen in love with vegatable soup:) its sooo good!! and most of the veggies in it are neg cals too so i dont feel guilty about it. just a reminder they will not say -10 cals or anything on the food. it will say the calories that are in it BUT your body burns more calories digesting and everything with them. so its great ahah. i have been bloated though:/ so i feel really fat:( but i know it has to be bloat cuz i cant really gain weight from something that isnt fattening or even have calories really in it so.
ahh the guy im sort of with (we just dont have the whole your my boyfriend your my girlfriend title, although i have been refered to by his friends as his girl friend:D ) but anyways my new nickname is Barbie ahha, cuz im just so perfect and my hair smells like barbie hair? ahah i dunno. but i was like shit yes!!!! made my day ahah. but i think things with him are going good:) maybe it will be official soon? either way im happy ahah he's really amazing and makes me feel safe aha. well he is about 6'2 and im only 5'1 so i can just curl up in his lap:p its so nice:) he was being super sweet and affectionate last time we were together:) even in front of his friend which is something new:) just makes me feel better. also i rejected my ex, who i was engaged to at one point which is huge for me cuz usually i crawl back to him. he's just too controlling i guess for me. plus im pretty sure he's a chubby chaser since he always complains i need to gain and am grossly skinny, when i was with him he made me gain like twenty pounds that fuck>.> pay back time!! ahah its amazing how things are going:) maybe the new year is a good thing:)
stay safe and stay strong!
xoxo thin is beauty<3

New Year:D

Happy New Year followers:D i hope you all had a good time:) i know i did:) even though i dont drink still have a pretty good time:) although last night was super great:) a million times better:) i got to hang out with my unofficial boyfriend:) and that was super fun!!! got the strength to turn down my ex and tell him to f off finally much needed! now my New Years resolutions! these are what i have so far:
get down to 85! and try and stay there:)
work out at least once a day for a little bit
try and work on not purging!!!
become vegan
get a sweet amazing boyfriend:)
and so far thats all i have:p but i hope your guys' new year was good:) heres to a good year!!!
xoxo thin is beauty<3