thinking?

well i am really sorry i havent blogged for like ever!! im just busy and sick:( but on the bright side sick means no food:D well an excuse for lunch ,"bro why arent you eatin?' "oh ya know im sick dont wanna throw up" ya all that. although my friends dont give a fuck if i eat or not ahah. see at school im that druggie kid (yes i can admit that im a druggy i dont like do meth or anything really hard just putting that out there oh and i dont drink either) that sits there and talks to like anyone. im a bum so i wear jeans and a hoodie everyday all day. if im not wearing that im wearing sweats and a hoodie! my wardrobe varries so much ahah not! i dress to keep myself comfey and warm, so jeans and a hoodie all year till summer then its short shorts and tank tops:D but this year im guna look good in my shorts!!! i know i will:) but i've had a very interesting week. the other night i got see my boy:) he's so cute! ahah we found out while cuddling his fricking arm yes arm! is as long as from my shoulder all the way down to my knee!! ahah he's so fricking tall! and has very long arms ahah. oh and since we were like outside and its winter and super cold your hands get cold we have started having "cold hand fights" ahha were you like touch someones bare stomach with your hands and they're all cold ahah good times! i love being with him:) he's so sweet and cute:) i also love how small and protected he makes me feel. like i know its kinda sick but i feel like a little kid again and he's guna take care of me and make me feel okay. make me be unfucked up so i can be a normal girl and not be high 90% of the time to be okay. but i do sneak out to see him just putting this out there and i came home, granted i was higher way higher than i should have been but went into my kitchen to get a drink and then my heart was freaking out! then i got dizzy and hot so im like okay i need to sit down and breath im guna pass out. ( i've been really sick so not much food staying in so that makes me pass out sometimes) then next thing i know i woke up on my kitchen floor. scary shit! i was like oh fuck and went down stairs and slept the rest of the day lol. i do not recommened anyone start doing drugs just cuz i do just saying that im not being an influnce of anysort in just telling you guys my life. all those details. but these have made me when im thinking about shit that i do want to go back to being a little kid. that i want to go back to when i was innoscent, when i didnt worry about my weight, when i was small and pure, before i was raped, i want to go back to that to be free and pure which is why i want to lose weight. ya i know its all fucked up and i know that but its true. honestly i've realized a lot of amazing shit when im high. i know i should probably stop doing all the shit i do but i dont want to, i hate feeling normal its all too complicated in a way i dont want to deal with all my problems:/ so if i can just take hell benadryl ( yes it will get you high if you take like eight but not recommending it) and feel better and not be so nervous then shit ya i will. mh i just know i will never ever do meth. that is the one thing i wont do. my biological mom did that and fucked my life up no way im doing that shit. but anyways i had a way good time with my guy well call him andy:D ahah his real name is very close to that andy is just his nickname:p but i love that he always makes me feel okay with myself just like little comments he makes, like he's like i swear you shrink everytime i see you and your like so tiny and just things like that and i love it! i can honestly say i love this guy with no doubt in my mind, he's amazing and perfect:) but in other news, im sick:/ although my mother doesnt think so and forced me to eat a shit ton like four pieces of piece the other night ahah i showed her! it all came right back up on the table, she keeps screaming at me cuz " im just to thin! you can see my hip bones!" ya like thats a bad thing? ahah so i just wear hoodies all day now:) today, i've had some veggies like broccoli:) and i was and am so full off it! like super full like bloated full. and it wasnt even alot of it just a few sticks! so i think my stomach is shrinking:) yay:D im guna try and post my new pics so tell me what you think:D